By Sandra M. McCroom, Children’s Services of Roxbury President & CEO
The state of caregiving in the U.S. has been deemed a crisis. More than 60 million Americans — roughly 1 in 4 adults — are family caregivers. That’s up 45 percent over the past decade. It’s a trend that is likely to continue given an aging and increasingly disabled population combined with federal cuts to Medicaid and other programs. So, now more than ever, self-care is paramount for caregivers.
While it can be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling to care for others, it can also be terribly depleting. It can drain our physical and mental health, our finances, even our sense of self; all of which become secondary as we push ourselves to keep on keeping on.
It’s like the instructions you hear on a plane before takeoff to put on your own oxygen mask first. As caregivers, we strive to prevent our stress levels from getting to the point where our brains and bodies start to shut down, because once that happens, we can barely take care of ourselves, never mind anyone else.
I found myself in such a place earlier in my career. I quite literally worked myself into sickness trying to be all things to all people all the time. That is when I learned firsthand that self-care is an absolute necessity, not a luxury. And it is a lesson I have carried with me every day since.
When our family lost our father, and my mother lost her soulmate after 53 years of marriage, I witnessed her unbearable grief and its toll. I worried about her every day until she moved in with me the following year. And I still worry. As much as I am proud of and would not change one bit of the role I play in her life — or the role she plays in mine — it is very difficult to balance being president and CEO of a nonprofit human services organization with being the primary caregiver for my 89-year-old mother. Please don’t misunderstand me; it is so much more of a joy than it is pressure, but it is pressure, nonetheless.
Most of my workdays begin early with making breakfast, showering, picking out clothes, and getting dressed — all the typical morning activities, but performed for myself and my mother. Once I get to work, I have to find time in between tasks and meetings to manage other aspects of my mother’s care, including making sure she gets her Meals on Wheels deliveries, arranging doctor’s visits or taking her to those appointments, doing pharmacy runs, and having check-in calls. Truth be told, the latter often gives me the laughter my soul needs to get through the day.
No matter what, when I feel my energy waning, I make it a point to recharge my batteries. I’ll listen to music on the car ride home — sometimes taking the long way there — have a phone call with a friend, or stop by the ocean to meditate, pray, and listen to the waves.
I have come to realize that self-care doesn’t have to be a major undertaking. Finding opportunities for quiet moments when you can still yourself and let go, even briefly, can be enough to feel refreshed. It reminds me of a quote by the spiritual writer and practitioner Lalah Delia: “Self-care is how you take your power back.” It is also how you power-up, and it is crucial to caregiving in our personal and professional lives.
At Children’s Services of Roxbury (CSR), we prioritize self-care for staff. We offer ample paid time off — and urge staff to take that time — as well as a robust Employee Assistance Program. Our behavioral health department regularly shares self-care information and resources, and we provide mindful moments during the workday like occasional on-site massages. As we renovate our headquarters, we are intentionally designing quiet spaces where staff can step away from work and decompress when they need to. I also routinely prompt my leadership team to keep an eye on front-line staff and encourage people who seem to be overwhelmed to take a mental health day or to go home early after a particularly stressful experience.
All too often, those of us who are called to caregiving as a profession struggle to balance our passion and commitment for the work with our need to take care of ourselves. Often, we experience a sense of guilt, or we worry that something bad will happen if we’re not present 24/7 as caregivers. And while self-care means different things to different people, what holds true for us all is that we must prioritize it, unapologetically. We all need and deserve time to stop, step off life’s treadmill, take a breath, and relax.
As I embrace a decade of leading CSR and 13 precious years (and counting) as my mother’s primary caregiver, one certainty for my future is that I will continue to place a premium on self-care, show myself grace, and give myself space. There is never any shame in that, and it is that kind of caring for ourselves that makes it possible to keep caring for others.